Well, it’s four days after Christmas Day. I’m here to do something a little outside my comfort zone. I’m going to write a little about how I’m feeling today, and it’s not all chipper, merry and bright. But I want to share it anyway - for a couple of reasons. One, because I want to be able to re-visit this next year and have a fairly clear understanding of my emotional condition in the span of time between Christmas and New Year’s Day. Two, because I have enough experience under my belt to know that there is a very good chance that if I’m feeling this way, there are some other folks who are also feeling this mood hovering and threatening their mental health. For me and many others I know, just being assured that I am not alone in the struggle helps me feel better and spurs me on to a better place.
To provide some context of this post, let me explain a little bit about the personalities and preferences of my sweet family. We are in a season of almost empty nest. Only our youngest daughter remains at home, so that means just my husband, our daughter and myself share our home space. It’s more quiet most days because there are fewer people coming and going than ever before. During the days he takes vacation and she is on break from school there is a lull in any and all activity. It works great for them - they like nothing better than to lie in bed all day and watch tv or sleep. It kills me. It literally is killing me, I can feel my brain cells withering and dying as I type this. Me and boredom, we don’t get along very well. Add to that the post holiday hangover I always experience and my menopausal, hormonal mood swings and you have a perfect recipe for whatever you want to label my current mood; depression, boredom, SAD (seasonal affective disorder), RID (restless, irritable, discontent), bad attitude, whatever. It’s miserable, and when I’m miserable I have the capacity to make everyone around me miserable without ever meaning to. I have to work my way out of this trench very intentionally.
I thought about just going to sleep - for a few days. But that really doesn’t work very well, does it? I’m trying to stay visually connected to my man, so I sit at the computer working (or trying to at least) in line of sight of my husband while he has one eye on the tv and the other on the back of his eyelid. He really wants to know I’m nearby, so anything that would have me working in other areas of the house - taking down the decorations, cooking, cleaning, or taking a drive or going for a walk - is just not going to fly. The longer I sit staring at the computer monitor, the more nauseous I get - new glasses are on the growing list of things 2019 needs to produce.
My attempts to find something constructive to do, like finding a new primary care manager so I can make an appointment in order to get a referral to a podiatrist so I can resume my walks… just end up in intense frustration, so I walk away from the computer and promptly make my way to the cookies in the kitchen to ease my rising blood pressure. Does that seem like a good idea to anyone? Yeah, me neither. It is what it is, and it happens to be why my arse keeps getting wider and wider friends.
Now, only forty-five minutes later than the last characters typed, there is a sweet baby boy downstairs that I held and loved on for a few minutes before heading back up here. My attitude is better already.
A good part of the time I have spent staring at the computer has been searching for other bloggers who might also be experiencing this foul mood. Sadly, I have found not a single one of my favorite bloggers have posted in the last day or two. It’s the holidays, I get it. Most people are enjoying their time with their family, catching up on sleep, etc., but don’t they know that their readers need to hear from them? (And when I say readers I mean me - I need to hear from them!) Don’t they know that there is a whole community of people out here searching for another soul to encourage them that this won’t last forever?
Phew - Aquaman saved the day! I'm happy to report that I convinced my husband to leave the comfort of his refuge and take our daughter and me to a movie! Never mind that the first theater we went to was SOLD OUT! The man was determined not to let me down and drove clear back to the other end of town to another theater that was not sold out. Popcorn and a super hero was just enough to coax me out of my sour mood. Thank you Jesus and John.
It was almost ruined when we exited the building just as a gang fight was erupting and that same sweet husband thought he should stay behind and help break it up. Um, no. Just no. We're talking 10-12 teenagers in an area known for violence and they were shoving the whole group around as if it were a mob version of rugby. My reminder that there were probably guns present and we needed to get the heck out of the way finally convinced him to leave it to the police (who hadn't arrived yet). I did at least pray for them all as we drove out of the parking lot. Does this make me a horrible person? You should probably pray for me :-)
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