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Confessions of a Catholic Mom

In my last post I talked about how much I loved Elizabeth's blog. A few days ago she posted about an e-mail that she received and her response to the woman who sent it to her. When I read the response my heart ached for this unknown mom. Since then I have noticed a theme in the posts during these Lenten weeks. I better understand the response and its intention but I still know that there are women who will take it to heart and feel wounded. I am in a different place in my life but not so far removed from where I once was to forget how it feels to have some things, however unintentional, hurt me deeply.

A friend and I were chatting a couple days after I read the post. She told me about a post she recently responded to that asked the question, how do you celebrate your children's birthdays? She was disheartened to see that most of the responses reflected that they really didn't do much to celebrate birthdays. Gifts to their children usually only include a holy card or other religious article. Her response included lots of fun, inexpensive/free, family-friendly activities and making the celebration something that made that child feel extra-special on that day. She told me that she immediately received nine private e-mails thanking her for her honesty and a different approach to celebrating special events in the life of a family. The e-mails expressed their sense of frustration and sadness that they were often left feeling like they didn't measure up to 'good catholic families' because they enjoyed showering their children with good things, including gifts that might even include toys! GASP!! This conversation led to past experiences I have had and have been forced to overcome.

How catholic does one have to be to be a 'good catholic'? On my faith journey I have encountered many opportunities to feel like I wasn't worthy to call myself catholic. There was the time I decided I was not going to wear only dresses or make my girls wear only dresses. I tried, I really did. It just didn't seem to make me feel any more catholic. It did, however, make me feel insincere and uncomfortable, physically and spiritualy. Then there was the time I realized I don't include every possible traditional catholic prayer in my daily prayer. In fact, there were often days, weeks or months (maybe even years) when my only prayer was the desperate pleading with God to continue to carry me because I knew I couldn't survive my life another day without Him. Oh, and the times when I had to admit to another catholic that I had never memorized some of those traditional prayers and wouldn't be able to say them without the benefit of the written form. The list goes on something like this; I don't say the Rosary (I do, however, know how!), I don't attend daily mass, I don't know much about saints and I have never really found it very interesting to read about them (but that would be because I haven't tried!), as a convert, I have had to wrestle with my personal issues with Mary, I am part of an ecumenical homeschool support group and know in my heart that the reason I avoid the local catholic homeschool support group is because I will be faced with more situations that cause me to wonder if I am a 'good catholic', not the least of which will include frequent conversations about couples like my husband and me who have been disobedient in regards to our openess to life or lack thereof.

I am fully aware that I am not a perfect catholic. I never will be. But I refuse to put on a show so that others will think I am. What does that mean anyway? What is a good catholic? Does it means seeking and understanding the traditions of our church? Does it mean not disagreeing with the teachings of the church but aknowledging personal weakness and failure to obey those teachings? Does it mean constantly working to nurture a very real love for Jesus Christ? Does it mean clinging to the hope that God will always pick you up when you fall and show the mercy that He promises? If any of this makes a 'good catholic', well then count me in.

To be continued...

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