My Cup Runneth Over (and it made such a beautiful mess!)
Not very often, but once in a while (and of course I must credit God because I am certain this was an answer to my quandary this morning in prayer) I have a thought - a picture thought - that helps me understand something I've been wrestling with for some time - long or short. This morning I had a sort-of light bulb moment that I hope to capture here in words so I can come back to it again and again if needed to be reminded of its lesson. I would bet some big things that I'm not the only one who could benefit from this lesson.
I am struck by the strange mentality I have taken on in several ways. Some random things - just ways to try to keep the vision in my head long enough to get it written down - how at some point I went from being a pretty extroverted personality to a very introverted personality. This is strange to me and I have talked with a couple of other people who claim they think they have changed over time too. Another strange thing about me - I used to value friendships with other women and was willing to take the time to invest in those friendships without the trepidation I often feel presently. I do have friends, yes, but not the type of friendships that I once experienced or hope to experience. One reason I backed off investing is my inability to balance my priorities in relationships. I often put my friendships before the relationship with my husband and I no longer am willing to do that. I will not sacrifice the most important earthly relationship I have and that is my spouse - the one God blessed me with and the one I love so very much. I will not sacrifice the relationship with my children... You probably get it - I've learned to prioritize (and even then my relationship with God is first and foremost and my husband and children know that, understand that and are very thankful for it). At some point my ability to invest and nurture relationships decreased in energy and focus. I could claim that it is age, but I don't really feel old. I feel unfocused much of the time... Then there is the "break-up" I experienced with my best female friend at one point. I had invested much of myself, my time, energy, loyalty, money, effort and even my family into this one relationship. At some point - a point far beyond the one my husband and family could clearly see - I discovered that it simply was not a healthy relationship, for either of us. I definitely had a part in it, I own that, and it went on too long without the attention it needed for healing and finally ended rather badly. Since then I have spent time trying to learn what a healthy relationship with other women looks and feels like. I believe I have discovered much of what that looks like but there still lingers some hesitation in fully investing myself in the way I imagine is needed for the kind of friendship I envision. And I don't think I am alone. I sense that most of the women I know are experiencing this same odd restraint in varying degrees and may not be able to articulate exactly why.
Then there is the way I have just stopped enjoying special occasions the way I used to - or believe I could/should be. You might have some clue as to the reason by the end of that last sentence. Should be - potentially very dangerous words for me (and maybe you). I seem to be wired with this sense of how things "should" be - of what I "should" be doing. Expectations. To be more clear, more precise - unrealistic expectations. So many of usspend waste too much of our lives trying to live up to unrealistic expectations. I have noticed in the midst of very happy (joy-filled) moments, that whatever the experience is it rarely, if ever, turns out to be the way I expected it should be or would be. Let me give an example and I probably will not be able to express this adequately... Christmas. Christmas is a beloved holiday by most, both secular and Christian. Growing up it was strictly Santa Claus and presents for me. Our family did not attend any church and there was very little if any conversation about Christmas being the celebration of the birth of Jesus, let alone any advent type mentality. My mom made Christmas the most precious time of the year for our family. I, like most children, looked forward to it with intense anticipation of my favorite Christmas movies, the lights and decorations, the tree, the stockings stuffed to overflowing, gifts and the gathering of family - the members of the family we didn't see at any other time of the year. And if we were lucky (and we usually were) games - there would be board games and laughter and celebration like no other time of the year. The ultimate Christmas would have snow, and lots of it.
When I got married I did my best to re-create the type of Christmas spirit my Mom had always displayed. But something(s) happened along the way.
I am struck by the strange mentality I have taken on in several ways. Some random things - just ways to try to keep the vision in my head long enough to get it written down - how at some point I went from being a pretty extroverted personality to a very introverted personality. This is strange to me and I have talked with a couple of other people who claim they think they have changed over time too. Another strange thing about me - I used to value friendships with other women and was willing to take the time to invest in those friendships without the trepidation I often feel presently. I do have friends, yes, but not the type of friendships that I once experienced or hope to experience. One reason I backed off investing is my inability to balance my priorities in relationships. I often put my friendships before the relationship with my husband and I no longer am willing to do that. I will not sacrifice the most important earthly relationship I have and that is my spouse - the one God blessed me with and the one I love so very much. I will not sacrifice the relationship with my children... You probably get it - I've learned to prioritize (and even then my relationship with God is first and foremost and my husband and children know that, understand that and are very thankful for it). At some point my ability to invest and nurture relationships decreased in energy and focus. I could claim that it is age, but I don't really feel old. I feel unfocused much of the time... Then there is the "break-up" I experienced with my best female friend at one point. I had invested much of myself, my time, energy, loyalty, money, effort and even my family into this one relationship. At some point - a point far beyond the one my husband and family could clearly see - I discovered that it simply was not a healthy relationship, for either of us. I definitely had a part in it, I own that, and it went on too long without the attention it needed for healing and finally ended rather badly. Since then I have spent time trying to learn what a healthy relationship with other women looks and feels like. I believe I have discovered much of what that looks like but there still lingers some hesitation in fully investing myself in the way I imagine is needed for the kind of friendship I envision. And I don't think I am alone. I sense that most of the women I know are experiencing this same odd restraint in varying degrees and may not be able to articulate exactly why.
Then there is the way I have just stopped enjoying special occasions the way I used to - or believe I could/should be. You might have some clue as to the reason by the end of that last sentence. Should be - potentially very dangerous words for me (and maybe you). I seem to be wired with this sense of how things "should" be - of what I "should" be doing. Expectations. To be more clear, more precise - unrealistic expectations. So many of us
When I got married I did my best to re-create the type of Christmas spirit my Mom had always displayed. But something(s) happened along the way.
To be continued. ..
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