Guard Rails

Sometimes I feel like I’m “Lost in a Sea of Faces”.  My blog just a trivial drip in the ocean of words written by other women in hopes they will touch someone’s heart for God.

I’ve recognized a pattern to my blog posts that has concerned me for a long time.  I’ve notice that many other bloggers have shared the same thoughts and concerns that I have.  My posts lately seem to be more focused on trying to explain why I’m blogging at all.  They don’t seem to be inspired at all or have anything of importance for content.  I’ve been thinking of myself as a writer for as long as I can remember.  It’s what I’ve always thought my creative gift is or was or is supposed to be.  The lack of inspiration these past couple of years has led me to second guess whether or not I’m even supposed to be writing.  It’s made me wonder if I have anything to contribute to a world where so many voices can and are saying what is on my mind and in my heart and doing it with an eloquence and clarity that I can’t seem to produce.  Despite the persistent obsession in regards to this I still feel drawn to write.  I’ve been talking to God about this; asking if perhaps the need or desire to write isn’t really a holy desire but rather a selfish prideful desire.  I’ve asked for help surrendering it if it is the latter and grace to do what I’m called to do if it’s the first.  I think, I hope, that some of the things I’ve been hearing and reading lately are part of God’s answer to my question.

For the past four or five years I have attended a Christian women’s conference near my home that I really love attending with my sister-in-law and now my own daughters.  I love being in the mix with so many other women who come together with the same hopes for being built up in the body of Christ and looking for answers about how to go about living this life with all its daily struggles, some of tragic proportions others just the mundane routine that can wear us down until we lose our way.  Every year I have attended I have come away having learned something valuable and life-changing.  It’s why I keep going back.  I gained some nuggets of wisdom this year that seem to point to possible answers to my question.  I’d like to share them here – partly because I don’t want to forget and partly because maybe someone else who is also struggling with the same issue will benefit from these thoughts.

During the course of a really great talk the statement that jumped out and sat on my lap was this, “Keep in mind that the thing of importance you do in your life might not be what you do but who you raise”.  It reminds me of the story of The Invisible Woman.  Much of what we do as wife and mother often goes unseen by human eyes.  What we do, how we love, who we love is seen by God and is part of the purpose and plan He has for us and for our children and their children and so on.  We can never fully comprehend the impact our actions have on future generations.  We can and should take comfort in believing that even though we may never witness what we consider as our unique or significant contribution to the world if we keep our hearts hidden in God and listen and are obedient to that which He calls us to we will have done our part.  We do make a difference.  Nothing is wasted.

The second statement – “I believe that the holy desire that God places within our spirit doesn’t always have to be for a holy reason”.  The example that was given was the story of how God had provided a way for a need to be fulfilled before the need was even known (the inexplicable desire for a new puppy that took root and was fulfilled when the longtime best friend and beloved dog died unexpectedly) I won’t share the exact story but I could certainly relate.  Many times while trying to answer the question, “What do you blog about?” I felt a bit guilty that I couldn’t spout off a really spiritual sounding vision statement and include personal experience with non-profit organizations or missions trips that led me to want to help on their behalf.  It took some serious honesty to be able to say that I don’t have that experience.  I haven’t been on mission to another country and I’m not blogging on behalf of the many people and circumstances that need that kind of voice.  I read those blogs and I pray for their needs.  Sometimes I contribute financial resources and I have volunteered innumerable hours of my adult life but my volunteer work was within my local community with groups such as church youth groups, women’s bible study groups and support groups for things like homeschooling or breastfeeding.  These groups had needs that were meant by the volunteer efforts like mine but they certainly weren’t hungry, homeless, prisoners, captives or living in the kind of poverty that people like me will never fully comprehend.  It’s easy to compare myself to the people who blog about these things and feel ashamed at my lack of holy reason.  And yet, the compulsion to write and blog still exist in the deep recesses of my heart and I fully believe that it is God that put the desire there.  My life experience has simply not led me to the places described above.  Instead it has led me to my home, to my local community.  It has led me to my garden where I have developed a passion about growing herbs and vegetables.  The desires that God has placed in my spirit are simple and humble – cooking, cleaning, teaching, gardening, sewing (okay so the desire is there – I didn’t say I have accomplished them all!) and, yes, writing.  Blogging.  There is tremendous comfort in believing that there can, indeed, be a holy desire that does not and is not supposed to lead to a holy reason.  That is not to suggest that the vocation of motherhood is not a holy reason.  It is just a comfort to know that the smallness that I feel in the everyday ordinary that is my life it’s okay to desire something so deeply and not connect that to something so extraordinary.  It’s just God’s way of taking care of a need – often before we are even aware of that need.

And probably the most pointed thought that occurred to me after contemplating all this.  Bloggers love followers.  We love to check the stats and the number and it brings us a sense of accomplishment and pride when we think others are reading what we’re writing and hopefully gaining some benefit from what we’ve shared.  Comments are a great reflection in the blogging mind that we are making a difference, that we’re not wasting our time and effort.  For people like me who have no followers, who have zero comments and who know that the stats are only going up in numbers because of those nifty little gizmos out in cyberspace whose job it is to make you think you’ve got readers – it’s easy to think we are wasting time and that perhaps this isn’t really something God has called us to do – even if the desire just won’t go away no matter how we try to ignore it or push it aside.  If we possess an authentic prayer life and spend time with God and in the scriptures and do our best to seek His will for our lives and we have prayed about this specifically and the desire still remains I believe we should be confident that it is truly part of His purpose and plan for us.  We can be sure that there is a reason why we must do what we feel drawn to do – to write, to reach out to others about things that are on our hearts and minds.  Where ever we are on life’s journey, whatever experiences we can share there is sure to be someone who will benefit from what we have to share.  This is the thing though: what if there is only one, single, solitary person who our one, single, solitary message is meant for?  A life can be changed with the event of a single catalyst.  A word, a song, a smile, a hug, a meal – one thing that wakes their soul up to the path they are on and a change that needs to take place or confirmation that the path they are on, however difficult it may be, is the right path.  Is it worth it to wrestle with the validity of our desire to write to make the difference in the life of one person, one soul?  What if we, together, are guard rails for people who will read our words of encouragement, humor and hope?  Our purpose - to be one of the many parts of the guard rail that God will use to keep people on a path or steer them clear of a tragic veering off the path?  Many of our blogs may look similar and may share very common themes but each one serves a purpose and has a distinctive voice and role to play in our world. Shouldn’t that be enough to encourage us to stop comparing and tearing ourselves down with thoughts of inadequacy?  

So I plan to spend less time worrying about why this desire is in me and spend more time just writing what is on my heart.  I am, after all, just one in a sea of faces.  But God had a plan for me, for all of us, and He knows exactly where I am and He has a job for me to do and He gave me all that I need to accomplish it including a holy desire. 

He declared I was worth the sacrifice.  He declared you were too.