Stuck Under the Rock or Staying Under the Rock?
That is a very good question. What do you do when people change? When you change and you know it might have a negative impact on the relationships you've valued in the past? What do you do when you feel like there's an elephant in the room but you're not really sure anyone else knows it's there?
I promised I would just start writing what's on my heart. This is what's on my heart. I have character defects - that's what people in recovery programs call their shortcomings. But there is one that is being particularly bothersome to me of lately. I feel like I'm under a rock. Life is good, don't get me wrong. Life is really, really good for us right now. I know there will be hard times to come, this is life on earth after all, and we are not promised that life will always be filled with happiness. Joy yes, happiness no. Back to that rock. The question I think I might need to answer is am I stuck under a rock or am I choosing to stay under that rock?
That character defect I referred to is lack of consistency. I have a history of not 'saying what I mean, meaning what I say and doing what I say I'm going to do' - that leads into a secondary character defect, lack of commitment. This character defect (the last part of it - follow through) reared its ugly head mostly and almost exclusively in my parenting. It became and remains the source of frustration for my dear husband. My defensive nature prevented me from dealing with it all these years. He would try to tell me and I would simply pout and withdraw. Growth cannot happen in an environment of denial. The only time I could truly be counted on to follow through with what I said I would do was in my volunteer work. Years living the military life and homeschooling provided a plethora of opportunities to volunteer my skills for organization, planning and leading. My time, energy and heart were poured into these opportunities. I developed the regrettable habit of neglecting my family in my self-declared efforts to make sure that I was the best leader and volunteer that I could be. Having no college degree or advanced education played on my self-esteem and the gratitude and praise I received from the people and groups I served became my primary source, my only source, of validation. I thrived on the opinions of others and became resentful at the lack of (or perceived lack of) appreciation from my own family. I was peer dependent and it was hurtful to my husband that I always sought out the opinions of other before and in lieu of his opinion.
That all changed four years ago. Our marriage nearly ended just after our 25th wedding anniversary. It has taken a lot of hard work, growth and intentionality to work through issues that were destroying our marriage - I'll save that story for another time. Since then I've learned (we learned) so much about ourselves. We became honest with ourselves and with each other. Telling the truth and doing the hard work of asking God to remove the things about us that needed to be removed is paramount to our continued health and healing. I continue to struggle with various character defects (progress not perfection!) and the one described earlier remains a problem. It's easier to see character defects in others and a good way to grow is to learn to recognize that what drives you crazy in other people really is a reflection of what drives you crazy about yourself. In my efforts to reverse the tendency to depend on the opinions of others as my source of validation and affirmation I began to withdraw from all groups and volunteer situations. I removed myself from anything that required a commitment for me to be away from my home and family. I also discovered my emotional recovery and health required that I not engage in areas where gossip and criticism are rampant and instead to spend as much time as I could leaning into God, finding my place as His daughter and taking comfort in all His mercy and forgiveness. I found myself isolating more and more. Toxic relationships and unhealthy behaviors became a glaring reminder of how much work I have yet to do. Friendships became strained because of my frustration with lack of commitment and follow through on their part and what I perceive as a judgmental attitude about changes that have taken place in my spiritual/religious life. Thankfully, I knew the first thing I needed to do was to look in the mirror. How much of what I was feeling did I actually bring on myself by assuming I was being judged and what characteristics were frustrating me that I am struggling to overcome in my own personality? B-I-N-G-O. I have become entirely wary of commitment to anything or anyone outside my home and my family. I have to guard my heart with such diligence and to be honest I don't know if I've grown enough to trust that I can maintain a healthy balance. So I just don't commit or worse I commit half-heartedly only to discover later that it was a mistake and then I back out. The tug-o-war that has taken place this past year or two in my attempts to plug back into some groups and re-engage in friendships is taking its toll on me. My mind and my heart are frequently focused on this conundrum and I couldn't agree more that this needs to be resolved in my life. As is often the case, one of my very favorite bloggers apparently is experiencing similar challenges. I think I'll see what she's reading. I can already see that the four pillars the book refers to are very much a part of the things I've been pondering.
So the question remains unanswered, for now. Am I stuck under the rock or am I staying under the rock?
I promised I would just start writing what's on my heart. This is what's on my heart. I have character defects - that's what people in recovery programs call their shortcomings. But there is one that is being particularly bothersome to me of lately. I feel like I'm under a rock. Life is good, don't get me wrong. Life is really, really good for us right now. I know there will be hard times to come, this is life on earth after all, and we are not promised that life will always be filled with happiness. Joy yes, happiness no. Back to that rock. The question I think I might need to answer is am I stuck under a rock or am I choosing to stay under that rock?
That character defect I referred to is lack of consistency. I have a history of not 'saying what I mean, meaning what I say and doing what I say I'm going to do' - that leads into a secondary character defect, lack of commitment. This character defect (the last part of it - follow through) reared its ugly head mostly and almost exclusively in my parenting. It became and remains the source of frustration for my dear husband. My defensive nature prevented me from dealing with it all these years. He would try to tell me and I would simply pout and withdraw. Growth cannot happen in an environment of denial. The only time I could truly be counted on to follow through with what I said I would do was in my volunteer work. Years living the military life and homeschooling provided a plethora of opportunities to volunteer my skills for organization, planning and leading. My time, energy and heart were poured into these opportunities. I developed the regrettable habit of neglecting my family in my self-declared efforts to make sure that I was the best leader and volunteer that I could be. Having no college degree or advanced education played on my self-esteem and the gratitude and praise I received from the people and groups I served became my primary source, my only source, of validation. I thrived on the opinions of others and became resentful at the lack of (or perceived lack of) appreciation from my own family. I was peer dependent and it was hurtful to my husband that I always sought out the opinions of other before and in lieu of his opinion.
That all changed four years ago. Our marriage nearly ended just after our 25th wedding anniversary. It has taken a lot of hard work, growth and intentionality to work through issues that were destroying our marriage - I'll save that story for another time. Since then I've learned (we learned) so much about ourselves. We became honest with ourselves and with each other. Telling the truth and doing the hard work of asking God to remove the things about us that needed to be removed is paramount to our continued health and healing. I continue to struggle with various character defects (progress not perfection!) and the one described earlier remains a problem. It's easier to see character defects in others and a good way to grow is to learn to recognize that what drives you crazy in other people really is a reflection of what drives you crazy about yourself. In my efforts to reverse the tendency to depend on the opinions of others as my source of validation and affirmation I began to withdraw from all groups and volunteer situations. I removed myself from anything that required a commitment for me to be away from my home and family. I also discovered my emotional recovery and health required that I not engage in areas where gossip and criticism are rampant and instead to spend as much time as I could leaning into God, finding my place as His daughter and taking comfort in all His mercy and forgiveness. I found myself isolating more and more. Toxic relationships and unhealthy behaviors became a glaring reminder of how much work I have yet to do. Friendships became strained because of my frustration with lack of commitment and follow through on their part and what I perceive as a judgmental attitude about changes that have taken place in my spiritual/religious life. Thankfully, I knew the first thing I needed to do was to look in the mirror. How much of what I was feeling did I actually bring on myself by assuming I was being judged and what characteristics were frustrating me that I am struggling to overcome in my own personality? B-I-N-G-O. I have become entirely wary of commitment to anything or anyone outside my home and my family. I have to guard my heart with such diligence and to be honest I don't know if I've grown enough to trust that I can maintain a healthy balance. So I just don't commit or worse I commit half-heartedly only to discover later that it was a mistake and then I back out. The tug-o-war that has taken place this past year or two in my attempts to plug back into some groups and re-engage in friendships is taking its toll on me. My mind and my heart are frequently focused on this conundrum and I couldn't agree more that this needs to be resolved in my life. As is often the case, one of my very favorite bloggers apparently is experiencing similar challenges. I think I'll see what she's reading. I can already see that the four pillars the book refers to are very much a part of the things I've been pondering.
So the question remains unanswered, for now. Am I stuck under the rock or am I staying under the rock?
Comments
Post a Comment