Do you hear what I hear? Do you want to see what I see?
I often wonder why I keep a Facebook account or a blog. I have grown very wary of exposing much of
myself to people who really don’t know me very well – and even to people who
used to know me very well but not really so much anymore. It is my nature to search for words that help
express things I am experiencing – feelings from joy and elation to frustration
and desperation and all those in between.
But occasionally I am moved to share something on my heart that maybe
someone else needs to hear. This is one
of those times.
There is a saying regarding keeping priorities straight –
something about making sure you put your biggest rocks in the jar first and
work your way down to the smallest grain of sand last and even a little water may
fit – meaning, of course, priorities and when the room runs out in the jar we’ve
made sure the most important things ‘fit’ into the time allotted to our days. Several years ago I started removing rocks of
various sizes from my jar in hopes that it would make more room for the big
rocks that had somehow been displaced. I
stepped back from all the volunteer work I was involved with and started
focusing more on home and family. A strange
thing happened though. The space I had
hoped to gain from taking the rocks out (reducing my time commitments outside
the home) just didn’t materialize. I
tried to find it, I desperately I tried to find it. But it seemed the jar just grew smaller. Thinking I’d taken out the wrong rocks I tried
fitting some back in – that was definitely not the answer. The jar seemed to get even smaller. Each time I have tried to rearrange the rocks
in the jar, the jar just seems to grow smaller, and smaller and still smaller
until I reached the place I now find myself. I try to keep a good attitude and remember
that growth comes through struggle. Sometimes
the struggle is nearly undiscernible – it sneaks up on you and you don’t even
know it’s there until one evening you are reading a blog and you are reduced to
sobbing and tears and you ask yourself, “When did that happen?” Actually, if you are honest, you knew it was
there, just below the surface waiting for an opportunity to expose itself, to
force you to deal with the baggage that’s weighing you down. But dealing with baggage takes time, it takes
energy and, for me, it requires that I remember that I can’t do it myself. I have a part to do in it but it’s really in
the surrendering that the peace comes.
A friend wrote recently that she was tired of all the talk
of being ‘real’; that it’s all real and that some just choose to only share the
beautiful in their life and not the messy.
I admit I am one who has become a cheerleader for being ‘real’. I have encouraged it in my writing and in my
words and actions. I guess why so many
of us are looking for ‘real’ is because we associate messy with real. We need to see the messy. We need to see messy homes, messy marriages,
messy parenting, messy friendships, messy homeschooling, decorating, cooking,
religion, finances, routines, celebrations – the list could go on. We need to see the messy because if someone
isn’t honest enough to show us their messy we begin to think we are alone in
our own messy and then we isolate, become lonely, forget what community is
about and we can even begin to lose hope and our faith diminishes. This is happening all too frequently.
So, when I read this blog post and cried a river of tears I
remembered I am not alone. It seems this
year my jar is a baby food jar and it has gooey stuff hanging out over the
edges and try as I might I have not been able to get it back into the jar. I have initiated some changes. I know I prayed about it first but to be
honest my desperate pleas for help may have been a bit incoherent, even to God
himself. Thankfully, He knows my heart
and He knows my needs even before I do and has provided and will continue to
provide for all of them.
I don’t know if my metaphoric jar can be emptied, rinsed and
refilled again but I’m willing to give it a try. I know I’ve had to be emptied of myself
before God could fill me with His spirit.
And it’s not a one-shot deal; I have to daily be emptied and filled
again. I trust that all will work out
according to His plan and it will be so much better than I could ever imagine.
So this year we have a simple Christmas tree in our living
room with only a few ornaments. There
are no lights or any other sign of Christmas outside our house. The fresh wreaths I bought before Thanksgiving
are hanging perfectly on either side of the television in perfect view while we
work and play. There will probably be no
other decorations – at all. My kids, my husband and I are all running on fumes
and faith. There’s really no good reason
because there are no outside commitments to blame. I can only guess (and hope and pray) that it
is the final emptying and cleaning of the jar to prepare us for something new
and better.
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