Battle #1 - How Much Should My Children Be Doing To Help?
Each day brings a new set of plans, hopes, challenges. I've noticed a steep decline in my ability to stay focused on an activity these past few years and inconsistency is at the root of many of my frustrations. Today, my wandering mind seems to keep coming back to the question, "How much should my children be doing to help in our home?" We have five children ranging in age from 13 to 28. The 28 year old is married and expecting baby number two any day! We are blessed because she and her husband decided to live close by rather than move to his hometown on the other side of the river about an hour away. I am happy that I am able to spend time with them and with our granddaughter. Then we have our 23, 19 and 18 year old(s) (all have upcoming birthdays) living at home and working and attending college. All are very responsible with their education, finances and possessions. And last but certainly not least our 13 year old who recently started a new direction in her education journey and went to a brick and mortar school for the first time ever in January. So, we have six people living here full time and often have some extras as well :-)
There are lots of books, blogs, websites that talk about the importance of chores for kids of all ages but they don't really address the changes that come with older kids and conflicting schedules and some bad attitudes. I don't really know how to explain it but in some ways my kids all seem to have an attitude of entitlement but at other times not at all - they are very grateful and have no problem expressing that to us and commenting how blessed we/they are when they witness those less fortunate. I suppose maybe we all experience an attitude of entitlement to some degree or another living in middle class America. We're just better at realizing it and nipping it in the bud some times more than others. Anyhow I digress...
The point I am getting to, eventually, is that when they graduated from high school and started taking classes at the college and having to work at the same time chores just kind of dropped off the radar, silently. There was never an agreement that said - hey, you no longer have to clean the toilet, vacuum, sweep, clean the kitchen or pick up after yourself - it just sort of happened. :-( My husband noticed, that's for sure. He, being epically more observant than me, mentioned it more than a few times - eh hem - but like the care-taking mother that I am I ignored it and made excuses for why it's just so hard for them to go to school, work and then have to do those things. What?? Hey, as you read more of my blog (if you read more) you'll learn that I have a long and rich history of being a care-taker versus a care-giver and if you know anything about boundaries, recovery or just exercise any form of common sense you understand where I'm going with this. I gave up. I ended the daily struggle to get my kids to do their chores by giving up having any expectations of them in this area and trying to do it all on my own. Guess how well that is working? Not so much. I'm worn out, burnt out and frustrated. I suspect that had I really listened to my husband years ago and done what he asked of me I would not be facing this particular giant today. There are always other giants, I know, but this giant would have been slain long ago making daily life a lot more pleasant around here.
Beforerecovery through 12 step programs we learned to live life on life's terms, my husband and I disagreed on many things. He came from a strict, harsh upbringing that included lots of physical punishment and I came from an uber permissive upbringing with rare but firm consequences when necessary. We both agree that we each benefited in many ways from our different styles of child-hood experiences but it was at the root of many disagreements in our early years of marriage and parenting. I lacked consistency in my parenting and really got in the way when it came to disciplining the children. Early on, I did as my husband insisted but I always made sure the kids knew it was coming from him and frequently "took their side" and over-protected them in many ways. The interesting thing is that the older girls, the ones who really remember what it was like and what was expected of them and suffered the consequences when it wasn't done are the ones who often ask me why I don't do the same thing with the younger kids. They know it is what made them more conscientious and responsible than their younger counterparts. There are many things I have had to look at long and hard in my recovery journey and this topic is a large part of the work I continue to struggle with. I still tend to get in the way and my sweet husband has been so patient and long-suffering while he waits for me to step up to the plate, next to him, and do the hard things that need to be done. He no longer is the harsh, abrasive disciplinarian but he still recognizes the need for Godly discipline and does so when needed. It has taken a long time for him to gain confidence that I won't contradict him and is still waiting for me to embrace my role as disciplinarian along side him. The landscape has changed a little as the teens have grown into young adults but there is still time while they share a roof with us to provide lessons in contributing to our family home.
Does that mean I have the answer to the post question? No. But now at least I'm clear about the question. I'll be back tomorrow with the answer.
Susan
There are lots of books, blogs, websites that talk about the importance of chores for kids of all ages but they don't really address the changes that come with older kids and conflicting schedules and some bad attitudes. I don't really know how to explain it but in some ways my kids all seem to have an attitude of entitlement but at other times not at all - they are very grateful and have no problem expressing that to us and commenting how blessed we/they are when they witness those less fortunate. I suppose maybe we all experience an attitude of entitlement to some degree or another living in middle class America. We're just better at realizing it and nipping it in the bud some times more than others. Anyhow I digress...
The point I am getting to, eventually, is that when they graduated from high school and started taking classes at the college and having to work at the same time chores just kind of dropped off the radar, silently. There was never an agreement that said - hey, you no longer have to clean the toilet, vacuum, sweep, clean the kitchen or pick up after yourself - it just sort of happened. :-( My husband noticed, that's for sure. He, being epically more observant than me, mentioned it more than a few times - eh hem - but like the care-taking mother that I am I ignored it and made excuses for why it's just so hard for them to go to school, work and then have to do those things. What?? Hey, as you read more of my blog (if you read more) you'll learn that I have a long and rich history of being a care-taker versus a care-giver and if you know anything about boundaries, recovery or just exercise any form of common sense you understand where I'm going with this. I gave up. I ended the daily struggle to get my kids to do their chores by giving up having any expectations of them in this area and trying to do it all on my own. Guess how well that is working? Not so much. I'm worn out, burnt out and frustrated. I suspect that had I really listened to my husband years ago and done what he asked of me I would not be facing this particular giant today. There are always other giants, I know, but this giant would have been slain long ago making daily life a lot more pleasant around here.
Before
Does that mean I have the answer to the post question? No. But now at least I'm clear about the question. I'll be back tomorrow with the answer.
Susan
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