The Heart Condition

"Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life."    Proverb 4:23

Lately, I’ve been struggling (an understatement) with my emotions. There are many reasons why I may be experiencing these struggles; the hormonal turmoil that menopause brings would be at the top of the list, the fact that I’ve always been a rather high-strung emotional type personality in the first place could be another, and life - just plain old life.

Let me begin by saying right up front, I have a very good life. Better than most I would say; privileged even. I have been privileged to be a full time, stay-at-home mom while raising our five kids, and now am enjoying the privilege of being a full time stay-at-home wife and grandmother even though our youngest is in her last year of high school. I say this because it’s important to note (important to me anyway) that I am well aware that my problems are ridiculously trivial compared to those many other people face, and that makes the fact of what I’m experiencing all the more painful and difficult to confess, because God knows there are far bigger problems in the world and it seems so selfish to be focusing on my own stuff. What’s weird, is when I try to break down what the “stuff” actually is so I can start working on possible solutions, is that there aren’t any real problems. Nothing that should have this effect on my heart-itude. But unless I deal honestly with what’s going on with me, I won’t be able to get out of my own head and move toward being helpful to others. I know I am not alone in feeling this way. So this is for anyone else who might also be hurting and looking for some encouragement.

You know the old adage about mama being happy, right? It goes - “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy." I don’t know about you, but that puts an awfully heavy burden on my shoulders to always be happy, cheerful and stable. The problem is, I’m not always those things. Honestly, most of the time I was, until recently. I think it might make it even harder for the people around us to deal with our moods if they are used to an especially chipper wife and mama. It also makes it harder on us to admit that we are feeling some of these things with no plausible explanation or immediate solution. Sometimes, it’s a matter of figuring out if there are real problems with practical solutions mingled in that emotional fog, then dealing with them and getting them out of the way so we can move on to the rest. Sometimes, it’s just the enemy’s way of distracting us, especially if we have been on the cusp of a significant spiritual awakening of sorts - for ourselves or for those within our sphere of influence.

It’s important for us to remember that people, especially our children (of any age) are watching us, learning from our example of how we cope with these periods in our life. It is true that our actions speak louder than words, but words speak pretty loudly. We need to guard both diligently.

“What you say can preserve life or destroy it; 

so you must accept the consequences of your words.”

Proverbs 18:21 GW

Notes in my study bible say that in the Old Testament, the heart represents the center of emotions, thinking, and reasoning. The heart is crucial in the battle between wisdom and foolishness, between righteousness and evil. (NLT Illustrated study bible pg. 1104) Emphasis mine*

During my morning pondering about what this day would bring, whether it would be the continuation of my bad mood - aka - restless, irritable and discontent, or the more level-hearted person we all enjoy, I recalled a version of the Screw Tape Letters for Moms. I was reminded how insidious the enemy is and how simple his attack can be and still be exceedingly effective. 

So that begs the question; how is my spiritual condition? What is the condition of my heart? What am I allowing to control my emotions? I realize I have not been practicing good boundaries, which help maintain a healthy attitude. What struggles are mine to own? What struggles are not? Who am I trying to please? Is it God, or is it the people who I dearly love and whose happiness I want to contribute to but have no control over? Have I started to feel responsible for their happiness again? Have I started to believe that they are somehow responsible for my happiness? These are hard lessons I’ve already had to learn from my years in recovery from co-dependency. Is it time for a refresher course?

How important are the things that annoy me daily? Am I allowing the accumulation of small frustrations to make me feel defeated rather than viewing them as opportunities for growth - or more simply what they actually are - mere frustrations? Do the words that flow from my mouth or the thoughts that ruminate in my mind represent life or death? Are they encouraging or full of frustration, despair and hopelessness? Remember, what flows from our mouths finds its origin in our hearts.

“We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ” 

2 Corinthians 10:5 NLT

“The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle no one can figure out .”

Jeremiah 17:9 MSG

If I am relying on my own to guard and guide my heart, I will fail. Unlike many wise saying, the one that encourages us to “follow our hearts” is not wisdom. We should ask God to guard and guide them for us.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” 

Proverbs 3:5

“My son, give me your heart and let your eyes delight in my way.” 

Proverbs 23:26

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” 

Psalm 73:26

There are so many times in scripture that we are instructed to seek God for our hearts’ condition. This is where I am starting today to find my help. Not in the people around me, although they are a wonderful, loving support system and have the best of intentions. Not in accomplishing the list of things-to-do, regardless of how much a part of my (mostly welcome) responsibility as wife, mother, and homemaker they may be; not the acts of work and good things I want to do as a friend and neighbor, not even the list of routine, spiritual exercises I do to maintain my daily spiritual condition; just God. Just waiting quietly for God to guide my heart, clear the fog and reveal himself to me as my Father; the one who is close to the broken-hearted and rescues those whose spirits are crushed. (Psalm 34:18)

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” 

Psalm 139:23-24

We know there is an on-going invisible battle being fought on our behalf. Getting the spiritual foundation right empowers us to withstand the visible battles in very practical ways.

Hang in there, and remember to go back to the basics. Give yourself a break, and remember we don’t have to have all the answers, we don’t have to be strong for everyone around us. Just put one foot in front of the other, surrender and trust God to guide and guard your precious heart.