Is it just me?
Really, is it just me or has life as we used to know it just a few short years ago changed an awfully lot? I know it has changed for me, but how do I know if it has changed for others as well? Clearly, social media is changing the way we interact, if we interact at all. But has there been a shift in the nature of friendship over all?
Two years ago this upcoming May, I ended a friendship that had meant so much to me. When I say I ended it, I mean like I "broke up" with my best friend. (I want to be clear that my sweet husband is actually my very best friend; always has been, always will be...). I didn't plan it when it happened, but I can't say that I didn't see it coming for months before hand. That friendship has a wonderful collection of good memories, but in the end the difficulties seemed to far out-weigh the good, at least at that time. To be honest, I have to admit that in hind-sight I could have handled it much differently, much better. And there are a growing number of days that I wish I had done it differently. I wish I had known years ago what I've only been learning these past couple years. Things I've been learning about myself and my own failings and weaknesses. If I had been a better friend, I might have had a better friend. Since that time I have not experienced friendship the way I had always known it.
In the past, there was always a built-in reason and opportunities for friendships; La Leche League, Military Catholic Women, Military Family Support Groups, Home-school Support Groups, Bunco groups, Youth Groups, a myriad of volunteer activities, etc... I often say I haven't worked outside the home since I became pregnant with our second daughter, but that's not at all true when you take into consideration that I probably spent a good forty hours a week working on volunteer stuff. Then 2009 happened (that's another story) and I pretty much crawled under a rock and stayed there for an extended amount of time. When I emerged a different person, the world as I knew it had changed. I'm certain it was only my perspective that had actually changed, but what does that matter when it becomes my reality? I isolated and stopped trusting people outside of my immediate circle. I had to learn how to interact with other people in a whole new way and that takes an unbelievably large amount of energy (physical, emotional and spiritual energy), time and effort. I became very selective about who I spent time with, not wanting to invest too much of myself in friendships. I had to continue lessons in establishing healthy boundaries. I had never even heard the term. I was a picture-perfect caretaker, people-pleaser, stuffer-of-everything-that-makes-me-die-inside-one-little-piece-at-a-time person. I was dishonest with others and myself (I liked to call it "candy-coating" but it was really just dishonesty). I'm not anymore, but I still don't have those friendships.
I shrink away from opportunities that might lead to deep friendships with other women. There have been days when I cried out to God how lonely I feel. But then a whisper comes to encourage me - I may be lonely, but I am not alone. I am reminded of the months I felt like I was walking alone with Jesus in the desert, times when he surely must have been carrying me, because the depression was so dark and desperate that I couldn't have walked it on my own. Sometimes there are lessons to be learned that require fewer distractions. I am no longer under the weight of depression, but I do sense that I am steeped in learning how to live well, still, even after all these years. Most days that's okay with me, other days I wonder if it will last forever. Is this the new normal?
Is this the new normal for others? Have women just stopped spending time together? Have phone calls and coffee meet-ups been replaced by a text messages and Facebook feeds? I used to spend hours chatting on the phone with friends for no reason other than keeping up with each other, to laugh together, to encourage each other through difficult times and celebrate good things, to offer a meal or a ride or whatever help they might need. I enjoyed getting together to share a cup of coffee or a meal together. That is happening less and less (and less) often and I really just can't tell if it's just me or if it's just life.
*Update - and really it's too long to add to this post so I'll try to get one posted soon (3-4-17)
Two years ago this upcoming May, I ended a friendship that had meant so much to me. When I say I ended it, I mean like I "broke up" with my best friend. (I want to be clear that my sweet husband is actually my very best friend; always has been, always will be...). I didn't plan it when it happened, but I can't say that I didn't see it coming for months before hand. That friendship has a wonderful collection of good memories, but in the end the difficulties seemed to far out-weigh the good, at least at that time. To be honest, I have to admit that in hind-sight I could have handled it much differently, much better. And there are a growing number of days that I wish I had done it differently. I wish I had known years ago what I've only been learning these past couple years. Things I've been learning about myself and my own failings and weaknesses. If I had been a better friend, I might have had a better friend. Since that time I have not experienced friendship the way I had always known it.
In the past, there was always a built-in reason and opportunities for friendships; La Leche League, Military Catholic Women, Military Family Support Groups, Home-school Support Groups, Bunco groups, Youth Groups, a myriad of volunteer activities, etc... I often say I haven't worked outside the home since I became pregnant with our second daughter, but that's not at all true when you take into consideration that I probably spent a good forty hours a week working on volunteer stuff. Then 2009 happened (that's another story) and I pretty much crawled under a rock and stayed there for an extended amount of time. When I emerged a different person, the world as I knew it had changed. I'm certain it was only my perspective that had actually changed, but what does that matter when it becomes my reality? I isolated and stopped trusting people outside of my immediate circle. I had to learn how to interact with other people in a whole new way and that takes an unbelievably large amount of energy (physical, emotional and spiritual energy), time and effort. I became very selective about who I spent time with, not wanting to invest too much of myself in friendships. I had to continue lessons in establishing healthy boundaries. I had never even heard the term. I was a picture-perfect caretaker, people-pleaser, stuffer-of-everything-that-makes-me-die-inside-one-little-piece-at-a-time person. I was dishonest with others and myself (I liked to call it "candy-coating" but it was really just dishonesty). I'm not anymore, but I still don't have those friendships.
I shrink away from opportunities that might lead to deep friendships with other women. There have been days when I cried out to God how lonely I feel. But then a whisper comes to encourage me - I may be lonely, but I am not alone. I am reminded of the months I felt like I was walking alone with Jesus in the desert, times when he surely must have been carrying me, because the depression was so dark and desperate that I couldn't have walked it on my own. Sometimes there are lessons to be learned that require fewer distractions. I am no longer under the weight of depression, but I do sense that I am steeped in learning how to live well, still, even after all these years. Most days that's okay with me, other days I wonder if it will last forever. Is this the new normal?
Is this the new normal for others? Have women just stopped spending time together? Have phone calls and coffee meet-ups been replaced by a text messages and Facebook feeds? I used to spend hours chatting on the phone with friends for no reason other than keeping up with each other, to laugh together, to encourage each other through difficult times and celebrate good things, to offer a meal or a ride or whatever help they might need. I enjoyed getting together to share a cup of coffee or a meal together. That is happening less and less (and less) often and I really just can't tell if it's just me or if it's just life.
*Update - and really it's too long to add to this post so I'll try to get one posted soon (3-4-17)
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