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That’s what it feels like when I try to hold on mentally to ideas I have that I’d like to write down. I’m on my walk and a great thing comes to me, I get to the car and boom - gone - vanished like fart in the wind. I’m kinda over it, but then I’m willing to persevere. I have no idea if it will get me anywhere, but keep on keepin’ on I will. I should insert a disclaimer here - CAUTION:  random thoughts ahead, may encounter confusion.  (I did forewarn you that I write to process all the crazy stuff that ruminates in my brain!) LOL

The article I wrote for the blog to just jump off the cliff - I need to go back and read it again - but this morning if memory serves me correctly it doesn’t contain a single thread of my true voice. So this morning I thought I’d come here and vomit out maybe what my true voice would sound like and it goes something like this:

It’s just a coffee cup. Pick a damn cup and pour your coffee. My days are sometimes filled with this ritual of trying to make sure things are just so... I’m not sure I can even really paint a good picture of my mental state when it happens - my attempts to make sure that I have the best day possible. Like I have any power in it.  Well wait, I do have some power in that... there’s the thing, learning to own the power we do have and letting go of things we have no power over, and especially figuring out what the difference is between the two. Yes, that sums up the Serenity Prayer.

A key element of my morning routine is reading multiple books in the mornings, they are like hooks to hang my day on. What I read makes me know that the crazy thoughts and feelings that go through my head are not just in me. Others do sometimes experience the same brand of crazy that I do. And then, I go and find a book that speaks to me so clearly - actually expresses many of the same things that work in my head. Rachel Macy Stafford’s book Only Love Today is an incredible example of exactly the things my own Rachel has taught me. I struggle with doing what I want with my time and energy with the things I know I will regret if I don’t do them.

For years, Christina begged me to play board games with her. I remember vividly that was her thing. And I was exactly that woman the author describes that was always too busy doing the next thing on the list, cleaning, rearranging, talking on the phone, organizing something “important”, things I don’t even remember now. She finally gave up and stopped asking me. I’ve apologized to her since then, and acknowledged that it is one of my deepest regrets - not taking the time to play with her. Because you know, at some point, they stop asking - they stop being interested. They move on to other things and people who will take the time for them, and that’s often how and why we find ourselves in the dark places where we land. If we’re lucky, we realize it and can maybe - just maybe - find our way out of the dark and heal what’s been broken. Many people are just not that lucky. They might never even notice what has happened, they never connect the dots, and never have a chance to redeem the time or the relationship that has been broken and lost. I’m very sad for that, and I often think - but for the grace of God, there go I. Even these days, I know my human nature could start down the slippery slope of neglecting what’s important. It’s a frog in boiling water. It happens and we don’t even realize it until something hurts - our kids, our marriage, our friendships - something gets hurt or broken and we wake up one day and think - what happened? How did we get here? What can we do to change this? Is there hope still?

There is still hope, there is always hope.

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