So, they won't do the dishes...
But, what kind of people are they? As I sit here at the hightop table in my pjs rather frustrated that my kids, ages 11- 22 persistantly continue to leave me piles of dishes in my sink to greet every morning (some days only a glass or a plate and a spoon and other days - like today when the automatic dishwasher refuses to work at all - sinks and counters brimming) a thought occurred to me. Sometimes I just need to change my perspective. It's true, the dishes and kitchen have been a continuing battle for years. The only reason it was done most of the time when the older girls were in charge was because we held a hammer over their heads constantly - and to be honest, it wasn't a healthy way of doing things. Chores, in general are a hassle in this house - the reminding, nagging, chore charts, reward systems, the lectures... none of which have worked so far to get the chores done. The only thing that has worked so far is me getting them done, which wears me out but at least I know they get done and done well; paying them for some which I don't mind except they tend to only do the ones they get paid for... :-(
Parenting advise suggests that these chores are the building blocks for good work ethics and responsibility. The strange thing is this - my kids won't do the dishes at home but if they go to someone else's home and they need help my kids would be the first to offer help. Their coaches, mentors and teachers share with me often what hard workers and self-starters they are and that they always have a great attitude and are an encouragement to others. What?? Seriously, the first time I went to a parent-teacher conference when my daughter was in school and the teacher told me how my then second or third-grader was so wildly organized, making sure that everything went back in it's proper place and keeping the class-room in good order and always helping the girl behind her with lessons she struggled in I had to ask - are you sure we're talking about my daughter - you know the one I affectionately refer to as our resident hamster? Yep, it was my daughter. Who knew?
My son, his nick-name this year is Beast - because he is an animal when it comes to physical labor. He outworks his peers and most grown men 2-1. Nevermind that he complains that we have too many obstacles in our yard when he mows (we have raised garden beds and lots of fruit trees and shade trees) but ask him to lift 600 haybails onto a wagon and he's there.
Those older girls? They are two of the hardest workers I know at their jobs - one is a nurse and the other holds two jobs while she is finishing her degree. They might stack their dirty dishes in the sink rather than wash them and they leave piles of clothes, both clean and dirty, all over their room/house. But they both have received honors and awards for their hard work and dedication. My oldest is an incredible mother to our one and only grandchild. She is a much better mother at her age than I am today - 27 years and five kids later. Seriously.
They all know how to do the dishes, put away groceries, do their own laundry, mow the grass, take out the trash, clean the bathrooms, vacuum, dust, make beds, etc. etc. etc... We are no longer in the learning stage of these things - I just need help. Come to think of it they might need some help in the culinary area - but each one knows the basics and how to make their favorites. The oldest is a very, very good cook - even her mother-in-law and her grandmother-in-law declare so! That's saying something.
I glimpsed a perspective this morning that provided some relief to my guilty conscience - they are becoming the kind of people I hoped they would. They love well, they work hard, they take responsibility and commitment seriously, they are willing to grow and they are each working on their own personal relationship with God. Yes, there are difficult days, they do argue with each other and don't always show the respect for me that they should (a sweet 17 year old has english as her second language - sarcasm is her first and a precious 11 year old struggles with chronic backtalk) but they are learning to acknowledge their faults and sincere apologies usually follow serious episodes.
Does this all mean that I am suggesting that families not require chores from their children? Absolutely not, I'm just sharing that, at least this morning, I know that somewhere tucked in all the years of feeling like a failure because of so many things I thought they should be doing and weren't they were still listening to the message and growing in areas that were more important than whether or not they did the dishes. They'll have plenty of dishes to do in their lives, God willing. And the day when I have dishes for only two will come soon enough. I think I'll spend this morning washing mountains of dishes and thanking God for the opportunity to do so.
With love,
Susan
Parenting advise suggests that these chores are the building blocks for good work ethics and responsibility. The strange thing is this - my kids won't do the dishes at home but if they go to someone else's home and they need help my kids would be the first to offer help. Their coaches, mentors and teachers share with me often what hard workers and self-starters they are and that they always have a great attitude and are an encouragement to others. What?? Seriously, the first time I went to a parent-teacher conference when my daughter was in school and the teacher told me how my then second or third-grader was so wildly organized, making sure that everything went back in it's proper place and keeping the class-room in good order and always helping the girl behind her with lessons she struggled in I had to ask - are you sure we're talking about my daughter - you know the one I affectionately refer to as our resident hamster? Yep, it was my daughter. Who knew?
My son, his nick-name this year is Beast - because he is an animal when it comes to physical labor. He outworks his peers and most grown men 2-1. Nevermind that he complains that we have too many obstacles in our yard when he mows (we have raised garden beds and lots of fruit trees and shade trees) but ask him to lift 600 haybails onto a wagon and he's there.
Those older girls? They are two of the hardest workers I know at their jobs - one is a nurse and the other holds two jobs while she is finishing her degree. They might stack their dirty dishes in the sink rather than wash them and they leave piles of clothes, both clean and dirty, all over their room/house. But they both have received honors and awards for their hard work and dedication. My oldest is an incredible mother to our one and only grandchild. She is a much better mother at her age than I am today - 27 years and five kids later. Seriously.
They all know how to do the dishes, put away groceries, do their own laundry, mow the grass, take out the trash, clean the bathrooms, vacuum, dust, make beds, etc. etc. etc... We are no longer in the learning stage of these things - I just need help. Come to think of it they might need some help in the culinary area - but each one knows the basics and how to make their favorites. The oldest is a very, very good cook - even her mother-in-law and her grandmother-in-law declare so! That's saying something.
I glimpsed a perspective this morning that provided some relief to my guilty conscience - they are becoming the kind of people I hoped they would. They love well, they work hard, they take responsibility and commitment seriously, they are willing to grow and they are each working on their own personal relationship with God. Yes, there are difficult days, they do argue with each other and don't always show the respect for me that they should (a sweet 17 year old has english as her second language - sarcasm is her first and a precious 11 year old struggles with chronic backtalk) but they are learning to acknowledge their faults and sincere apologies usually follow serious episodes.
Does this all mean that I am suggesting that families not require chores from their children? Absolutely not, I'm just sharing that, at least this morning, I know that somewhere tucked in all the years of feeling like a failure because of so many things I thought they should be doing and weren't they were still listening to the message and growing in areas that were more important than whether or not they did the dishes. They'll have plenty of dishes to do in their lives, God willing. And the day when I have dishes for only two will come soon enough. I think I'll spend this morning washing mountains of dishes and thanking God for the opportunity to do so.
With love,
Susan
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