Don't Take it Personal!

That’s a common tool we learn in recovery.  It’s also just wise advice given often by every day folks who’ve been around the block more than a few times.  I’m sure you’ve heard it on occasion.  But what does that mean, really?  How does that look and apply in my ordinary life?  Here are some ways it might look – when your husband comes in at the end of the day and asks what’s for dinner – don’t fly off and start explaining to him that he has no idea what all you’ve been through today.   Don’t collapse into a puddle of tears and decide that your marriage must be nearing an end because he just doesn’t get it.  He doesn’t see the trail of toys, paper, clothes, boxes, piles, half-eaten food, chips bags, soda cans and glasses half full leaving condensation rings on your good wood end tables.  He didn’t notice that you haven’t brushed your teeth today or taken a shower for two and he doesn’t know that you got into a terrible fight with your best friend earlier today and you just know she’s talking about you to other people right now telling them things you shared with her in confidence.  It's been a long day. He had to work through his lunch and he's looking forward to whatever you might have planned (you do have dinner planned, right?) He’s just hungry.  It’s not a judgment of whether or not you are lazy or smart.  It’s not personal.  Don’t take it personal.

Maybe your daughter responds abruptly that she doesn’t need a lecture when you start to explain – for the three hundredth and fifteenth time - that it shouldn’t matter to her what others think of her.  It’s not personal.  She really doesn’t need the lecture because she listened to you the previous three hundred and fifteen times. It’s not about you – it’s not saying I don’t like you (or love you!) or think you don’t know what you’re talking about.  It’s not personal.  Don’t take it personal.

Maybe another member of a group your deeply involved in speaks up and points out some constructive criticism of a project you’ve just poured your heart and soul into.  Maybe she makes suggestions about how it could be improved.  She’s not saying all your hard work is worthless or that she could do it better.  She perhaps has some experience and some valid points.  It’s not personal.  Don’t take it personal.  Perhaps, just maybe, if you don’t take it personal there will be room for you to learn something; an opportunity to be humble and gain some wisdom.

Maybe it’s a friend on Facebook and they say something that really is meant to be taken personally.  NEWSFLASH! You still don’t have to take it personally.  The key word in that last sentence is taken.  I don’t mean it like “I’m not gonna take that from her!”  I mean that in order for your boundary to be violated it has to be open to receive and only you have control of your boundaries.  It might have passed through her boundary (so she has no filter or she certainly didn't use it this time around) to try to penetrate yours but it can’t – not unless you allow it to. 

 I’m not saying it’s easy to do this.  But it is possible.  It takes work and intentionality.  The freedom you experience when you are able to interact with others without taking things personal is simply amazing.  I’m not sure there are words to really describe it adequately.  

So much more to say on this – I’ll have to ponder it a while and return for a continuation.

 Susan