Taking a chance
People are hurting. We all hurt. There are times when we hurt more than other times. Sometimes we become numb to what's hurting us, thinking that maybe it's gone but then one day we wake up and it's still there - that thing that just makes us hurt. It makes us tired - simply exhausted. Obsessing about stuff can paralyze us to the degree of being nearly debilitating. I've been there. I have to work really hard not to allow myself to re-visit that neighborhood. Over time it has become easier to recognize the signs and I'm oh so thankful for that. When I recognize it I can immediately take action to stop it dead in its tracks. I usually discover that when I'm sliding back into old habits it's because I have been slacking in my prayer time and lost focus on my priorities. I used to hear it all the time and it really didn't hit home. But that was probably because although I thought I had a genuine prayer life - I'm not so sure I did. I guess it was just the place I was at on my journey. I can't beat myself up for things I didn't do when I didn't know any better. Growth. What's the saying? Hind sight is 20/20. I suppose there is some truth to that but I doubt 20/20. Sometimes we can look back and we still don't see it. It just takes more time, more experience, more growth. Progress not perfection; that's the goal.
I've tried to find a voice for this blog and sometimes it just eludes me. I think fear holds me back. I've prayed about it and asked God to give me the words He desires. I hold back because I fear my words will get in the way. I wonder if the things on my heart are the things He's giving me? So let me just give it a shot.
I'll start with one thing that I tend to obsess about. One thing that these past months, maybe years, has driven me to action in one way or another. Why I feel compelled to write about it I'm not sure. I have to guess it's because I can't help but feel that I an not alone in the struggle I am experiencing. I used to think I was alone in so many other things but then I started to realize, yes, I was often Unglued. Yes, I have been Desperate but with God's grace I can relate to not feeling so desperate any more. I no longer have hopes of being a perfect wife or mother and I'm so glad to know that's okay! And I've come to recognize my need for a real Jesus in my very real life. I could go on for quite some time linking books and blogs where I have discovered I'm not alone! The list is really quite extensive! So, back to my thought that I cannot be alone in this struggle regarding the church. And when I say the church I mean the church - the really big picture. Not the Roman Catholic Church or any single denomination but the entire body of Christ. The deeper I fall in love with scripture and its message, the more genuine and authentic my faith grows the more concern I have about the state of the church. I know I am part of that church and I have to own my part in the concerns and take responsibility for my action or lack of thereof. I'm ever so thankful that we have or have had friends from many walks of life and that means we have had deep conversations (and some not so deep) with people whose beliefs are guided by very different churches - meaning the place where they have chosen to worship. We have experienced attitudes and comments from people whom we respect and care about that made us just cringe. Each one absolutely convinced that their "church" is the right church and that something about the other(s) was contrary to Truth or woefully lacking in the fullness of Truth. Reality is, all are woefully lacking in the actions that Christ calls us to (in my opinion, of course). There are those who would argue with me if they could - but it's my blog so there won't be any dissenting comments here - there are plenty out there. Why does the body of Christ insist upon focusing on those things which divide us rather than those that unite us? Why do we spend so much time and energy arguing (arguing might be a strong term for most - perhaps just disagreeing) about who has the right way to worship? It's really no wonder that so many people are choosing not to step foot into a building called a place of worship on Sundays where they find no welcome. In fact, some families are finding their place of worship to be very unwelcoming.
The level of hypocrisy we encounter often makes us take a giant step back. I know not to expect perfection - we are human after all and not a single person can claim to be without sin, certainly and for sure that includes me. I get that. But that shouldn't give us permission to stop trying, to stop reaching out to others in friendship and fellowship; to just hold on to our un-forgiveness and resentment. I've watched as women I know and care about have slowly withdrawn into isolation because of the harm gossip and criticism has wrought. I've been that woman. I know women who are struggling against the storms of depression because their marriages are in a constant state of crisis, sometimes just hovering below the boiling point of divorce. I've been that woman.
I am the woman who has not attended church on Sundays for months now because I can't focus on worship when I am constantly obsessing about what is right and what is wrong with the way we go about it. I am the woman who, for now, has found that my worship takes place alone when I pray and when I drive and when I share kindness and hope with others, sometimes unexpectedly. I have found a small group of friends who are willing to go there with me, who are willing to accept that I am struggling with all these things and not try to tell me what to think or how to think. They share themselves with me honestly with warts and all and they love me just the way I am and encourage me in my faith walk, right where I am. I am so blessed to share that group along with my husband, who is my biggest supporter and friend. He gets me. He knows what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling and he gets me.
I hear people talk about the need to breathe life back into the church. I'm not talking about reformation here, I'm talking about remembering our first love, God, and doing what we first did when we fell in love with Jesus. It's so much easier to walk in peace and love when we aren't dodging the opinions of man. If those of us who have found a deeper relationship with Christ than that of children in faith who still need milk will behave they way we did when we first surrendered ourselves we will reflect the light of Christ to a world who so desperately needs Him. Even through our cracked vessels, the light will break the darkness if only we will let Him.
Susan
I've tried to find a voice for this blog and sometimes it just eludes me. I think fear holds me back. I've prayed about it and asked God to give me the words He desires. I hold back because I fear my words will get in the way. I wonder if the things on my heart are the things He's giving me? So let me just give it a shot.
I'll start with one thing that I tend to obsess about. One thing that these past months, maybe years, has driven me to action in one way or another. Why I feel compelled to write about it I'm not sure. I have to guess it's because I can't help but feel that I an not alone in the struggle I am experiencing. I used to think I was alone in so many other things but then I started to realize, yes, I was often Unglued. Yes, I have been Desperate but with God's grace I can relate to not feeling so desperate any more. I no longer have hopes of being a perfect wife or mother and I'm so glad to know that's okay! And I've come to recognize my need for a real Jesus in my very real life. I could go on for quite some time linking books and blogs where I have discovered I'm not alone! The list is really quite extensive! So, back to my thought that I cannot be alone in this struggle regarding the church. And when I say the church I mean the church - the really big picture. Not the Roman Catholic Church or any single denomination but the entire body of Christ. The deeper I fall in love with scripture and its message, the more genuine and authentic my faith grows the more concern I have about the state of the church. I know I am part of that church and I have to own my part in the concerns and take responsibility for my action or lack of thereof. I'm ever so thankful that we have or have had friends from many walks of life and that means we have had deep conversations (and some not so deep) with people whose beliefs are guided by very different churches - meaning the place where they have chosen to worship. We have experienced attitudes and comments from people whom we respect and care about that made us just cringe. Each one absolutely convinced that their "church" is the right church and that something about the other(s) was contrary to Truth or woefully lacking in the fullness of Truth. Reality is, all are woefully lacking in the actions that Christ calls us to (in my opinion, of course). There are those who would argue with me if they could - but it's my blog so there won't be any dissenting comments here - there are plenty out there. Why does the body of Christ insist upon focusing on those things which divide us rather than those that unite us? Why do we spend so much time and energy arguing (arguing might be a strong term for most - perhaps just disagreeing) about who has the right way to worship? It's really no wonder that so many people are choosing not to step foot into a building called a place of worship on Sundays where they find no welcome. In fact, some families are finding their place of worship to be very unwelcoming.
The level of hypocrisy we encounter often makes us take a giant step back. I know not to expect perfection - we are human after all and not a single person can claim to be without sin, certainly and for sure that includes me. I get that. But that shouldn't give us permission to stop trying, to stop reaching out to others in friendship and fellowship; to just hold on to our un-forgiveness and resentment. I've watched as women I know and care about have slowly withdrawn into isolation because of the harm gossip and criticism has wrought. I've been that woman. I know women who are struggling against the storms of depression because their marriages are in a constant state of crisis, sometimes just hovering below the boiling point of divorce. I've been that woman.
I am the woman who has not attended church on Sundays for months now because I can't focus on worship when I am constantly obsessing about what is right and what is wrong with the way we go about it. I am the woman who, for now, has found that my worship takes place alone when I pray and when I drive and when I share kindness and hope with others, sometimes unexpectedly. I have found a small group of friends who are willing to go there with me, who are willing to accept that I am struggling with all these things and not try to tell me what to think or how to think. They share themselves with me honestly with warts and all and they love me just the way I am and encourage me in my faith walk, right where I am. I am so blessed to share that group along with my husband, who is my biggest supporter and friend. He gets me. He knows what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling and he gets me.
I hear people talk about the need to breathe life back into the church. I'm not talking about reformation here, I'm talking about remembering our first love, God, and doing what we first did when we fell in love with Jesus. It's so much easier to walk in peace and love when we aren't dodging the opinions of man. If those of us who have found a deeper relationship with Christ than that of children in faith who still need milk will behave they way we did when we first surrendered ourselves we will reflect the light of Christ to a world who so desperately needs Him. Even through our cracked vessels, the light will break the darkness if only we will let Him.
Susan
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